


Hold on for another day

by peachiami (plumsy)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Indulgent, Suicide Attempt, i wrote this on a whim pls dont expect much, kind of, not beta read we die like men, this is just me projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:21:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23714317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumsy/pseuds/peachiami
Summary: Kenma guessed that he could hold on a little longer. For Kuroo.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 78





	Hold on for another day

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is just a self indulgent fic and im just projecting and yeah theres triggering content ^^^ read the tags pls 
> 
> anyway if u guys are going through these kind of things just know that u arent alone !!
> 
> suicide should never become an option okay ? 
> 
> I <3 u guys :D

Kenma had an odd habit… but it helped him cope with everything in more ways than one. It wasn’t a secret that he had a hard time socializing, or that he was rather timid and kept to himself, unlike his best friend. So this became a grounding system for himself. 

After Kuroo found the numerous lines on his wrists, hips, thighs, anywhere he could hide, he threw out every single blade (yes including the back-up ones) and made him promise, made him _swear_ that he was never going to do it again. Kenma didn’t bother to try and buy new ones, it only tired him out on having to think of how he could hide it from Kuroo now. 

But his new habit felt, a little different. It was stupid the more he thought about it but it kind of helped him in its own way. 

Since Kuroo banned him from self-harming (although Kenma didn’t understand why he called it that when he was just giving himself what he deserved) he had to resort to other options and that’s how he found out about this one peculiar way of, coping. He saw it one of the animes he binge-watched when Kuroo wasn’t around. He simply made a gun out of his hand, pointed it straight to his head, and pulled the trigger with a small _‘bang’_. It’s stupid but every time he did it he felt this weird rush in his body as if the whole thing was real and he was finally ending it all, and then he’d go back to feeling nothing. As long as he wasn’t hurting himself Kuroo would be happy. 

Kenma sometimes hated Kuroo. Hated him so much that it felt like he was gonna throw up all of his organs and fall dead. It’s just annoying that he’s constantly giving Kenma a reason to continue living, if it wasn’t for Kuroo, Kenma would be long dead in his room hanging off his ceiling fan. But he couldn't do that. All because of stupid Kuroo. Kuroo always managed to give Kenma a reason to not go _just_ yet without even knowing it. He would always make special plans for the two, even taking into consideration the release dates of games that he knew Kenma would want to get just to clear his schedule to make sure he'd be around that day. Stupid Kuroo. 

There are times were Kenma thought about ending it. After years of thinking it over and over again, he came to realize that it was always an impulsive decision. That you couldn’t plan it out longer than a day because he’d only be too much of a coward to continue. Either that or Kuroo would make plans for the weekend and insisted that Kenma should be there. It was the least Kenma could do so he’d postpone his little plans and go out with Kuroo the next day. 

There was one time he came pretty close to ending it. 

It had been a bad week, not that any week is generally better but it was worse than the usual worse. He found himself in his bathroom, glaring at his own reflection. He looked stupid. His eyes were bloodshot red, his skin sunken over the small bits of muscle he had gained from volleyball training, and he was undeniably and unattractively pale. It was gross. After a while of looking at his reflection, he looked back down at his hand, subconsciously bringing it up to his head, the imaginary muzzle nudged right against the side of his head before he pulled the trigger. 

_Bang._

Then, he had an idea. 

He reached into the cupboard behind the mirror and pulled out his mother’s old sleeping pills, shifting it in his hand over and over, grounding himself with the sound of the pills rattling inside. He looked back up at his reflection before he haphazardly opened the bottle of pills and spilled it all over the counter. Quick to disregard the now empty bottle.

_1_

_2_

_3_

_4_

_5_

_6_

_7_

_8_

_…_

_16._

It was enough. 

Kenma reached down and took one in between his index finger and his thumb. Observing it. He was amazed at how this small little thing and its friends were gonna make his big body drop dead in a matter of minutes. He brought it up to his lips before pushing it inside, swallowing it dry followed by a cough. 

He looked at his phone cautiously at the countertop. It was almost 8 PM. Kuroo usually texted him at this time, sending him a quick, _“ur door is locked D:”_ or _“mama baked sum apple pie hm slices do u want”._ But there was none of that today, and there isn’t going to be another. 

He picked up another pill, and another and another, stuffing all three in his mouth, wondering if he could at least have a little fun with it before he left, but just before he could swallow and stuff a few more in his mouth, his phone rang. Kenma jolted before he panicked and reached for his phone, swiping. 

_“Kenma”_

_“Kuro”_

_“You weren’t replying to my texts are you okay?”_   
  
Fuck he was texting him? 

_“Yeah, lovely as ever, why were you texting?”_

_“Mama baked apple pie again, im already standing outside your back door let me in its cold”_

_“Okay wait a sec you old fart”_

Kenma ended the call, only then realizing how heavy he was breathing and that his heart is pumping so hard against his chest it felt like it was gonna leave his body. He spit out the remains of the pills in the sink and quickly shoved the ones left on the counter back into their counter, putting it back behind the cupboard before he went to go open that damn back door.

“Hey” Kuroo greeted gently as he entered the Kozume household. Placing a container of apple pie slices on the dining table before he turned over and abruptly pulled Kenma into a hug. 

“The fuck old man” Kenma grumbled, the reluctance in his voice barely there as he let himself sag against Kuroo’s body. The older male simply tightened his arms around the smaller boy, pulling his head in close to rest at his chest. He was basically engulfing Kenma’s body at this point.

“I love you” 

“Baka, Kuro baka”

…

“I love you too”

Kenma guessed that he could hold on a little longer. For Kuroo. 


End file.
